


i feel like a six out of ten

by intertwiningwords



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Lives AU, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Lesbian!Alana, Multi, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 07:50:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12883365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intertwiningwords/pseuds/intertwiningwords
Summary: alana wishes she could be more like zoe murphy.





	i feel like a six out of ten

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the song 6/10 by dodie
> 
> whomst else is sipping on some of this i love alana beck juice this fine day 
> 
> anyway hope you enjoy!!!

Alana Beck was good at a lot of things.

Ever since she could walk and talk she was an overachiever. Always winning awards, getting good grades, certificates, blue ribbons, tacky trophies. She was bright, mature for her age, and a total teacher’s pet.

But one thing Alana was  _ not  _ so good at was making friends. The other kids thought she was, to put it kindly, too much. She could talk for hours if given the chance, rambling and spewing facts, and she was always moving, bouncing and using her hands and tapping her pen. People were intimidated by her, how fast she talked and how smart she was and how energetic she could be at eight in the morning.

It didn’t help that she lived in a predominately white area where the parents believed she was being given “special treatment” to prove the school was “diverse” every time she achieved something that their child didn’t. If only those parents could actually meet her, and be as intimidated by her as their children were.

Her lack of friends never seemed to bother her though. She had plenty of “acquaintances”, like former lab and project partners who would occasionally smile at her in the halls or people from clubs, and she was far too busy to hang out with people anyway.

It bothered her parents though. They always wanted to know what her plans for the weekend were, if she’d met any guys at school, if she wanted to invite anyone over for dinner. Her answers were always nothing, no, and no thank you.

Funny how her parents seemed to want her to have friends more than they wanted her to have good grades. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? 

Lunch periods were spent in the library, buried in textbooks and sometimes snacking on a protein bar if she was actually hungry. She’d put her earbuds in to block the sounds of snickering students and reprimanding librarians, soft music filling her ears and helping her focus.

It was one of the few places she felt she belonged.

After whatever club she had that day (student government on Mondays, gay-straight alliance on Tuesdays, students-against-drunk-driving on Wednesdays, environment on Thursdays, and she swapped between the yearbook and school newspaper club on Fridays), she’d go home and do even more homework. And when she finished that, she would do more work.

Get a head start on her senior paper that wasn’t due until June, or a project that wasn’t due for another week. Look at colleges. Read ahead in her textbooks. Look at more colleges. 

She needed to be busy, distracted, driven,  _ doing  _ something, or she felt out of place.

Maybe her place was alone. Alone and drowning in books and papers and equations and theories.

Maybe she was unlikeable. Maybe she was unlovable, too.

Those were the thoughts she was trying to keep at bay when she lost herself in trigonometry and John Steinbeck and the War of 1812.  She had to ignore those thoughts, or she might drown.

She didn’t want to drown.

 

***

 

Zoe Murphy was good at a lot of things too.

She always got guitar solos in jazz band, had good grades. She was pretty, and she was likeable. Two things which Alana thought she was not.

Zoe was confusing. As pretty and likeable as she was, she didn’t seem to have many friends.

Alana had worked on a project with her brother, Connor, back in sophomore year. He was quiet, but he was funny when he did talk. Alana had been worried she’d be stuck doing the whole project herself, but he pulled his weight, and did it quite well too. Alana liked him a lot, but he didn’t seem to reciprocate her feelings. But Connor didn’t like anyone really, not even his own sister apparently. Alana had never seen them interact, even when they passed each other in the hallways.

Maybe Zoe was just bad at making friends too. She seemed so confident, so genuinely confident though. Alana’s confidence was practiced. She was taught to always speak up, because she was right more often than not, and she was taught that her voice mattered. Nobody seemed to think so though.

When Zoe talked, people listened. Zoe with her guitar and freckles and glitter pens and that confidence she wore like an accessory, always unafraid to voice an opinion or answer a question. She was never afraid to be wrong, never afraid to be laughed at.

Alana wanted to be like that.

 

***

 

After Connor Murphy’s attempted suicide, Zoe wasn’t in school for almost a week.

Alana missed seeing her in the halls and the library. She missed seeing Connor in the back left corner of her classes, though he usually skipped them anyway.

She reached out, not knowing what to expect. She messaged Zoe on Facebook, telling her that she was sorry and that she hoped Connor got better soon and that she wished their family all the best. She wasn’t good with things like this, but she wanted to try.

She hadn’t been expecting a speedy reply, if one at all, and was shocked to receive one less than an hour later.

“Thanks, Alana. It means a lot. The doctors say Connor should be fine...really, thank you. You’re a sweetheart.”

Alana wasn’t sure why reading the words made her cheeks grow hot as a soft smile curled onto her lips.

When the Murphy siblings returned to school, something was instantly different. They walked through the front doors of the building together. Side by side. Alana wasn’t sure she’d ever seen them stand near each other. She looked up from her book, and offered the two of them a smile.

Zoe returned it, and she swore she saw Connor’s lips twitch in a feeble attempt to do the same. It was enough to make Alana happy.

But then Zoe touched his arm softly and walked away. Not away as in to class, as in away from Connor and towards Alana. Towards Alana.

Why was she panicking? She shut her book, forgetting to bookmark the page. Be calm. Don’t ramble. Don’t be fucking weird.

“Hey, Alana,” Zoe said, a surprisingly bright smile on her face for someone who had just been through what she had.

“Oh, hi Zoe! Um...How are you?”

“I’m okay. You know, considering. We’re okay. How about you?”

“Oh, you know, the usual. Busy, but good. I like being busy so-” she cut herself off. Don’t. Ramble.

Zoe was smiling again, looking at Alana with a kind of fondness that made her heart flutter. “That’s good. Hey, thanks again for checking up on me. You were the only person to say anything, you know. It...it meant a lot.”

“Of course! I mean, of course I would check in on you.”

The bell rang, and they both jumped, lost in their conversation and forgetting the time. As Alana scrambled to shove her books in her bag, Zoe helped her gather them, their hands bumping and brushing as she did so, setting Alana’s cheeks on fire.

“Thanks for helping,” she managed to say.

“No problem! I’ll see you around, Lana!” Zoe replied, turning on her heel and walking towards the stairs.

Alana watched her go with wide eyes before coming to her senses and making her way to physics class.

Lana. She could get used to that nickname.

 

***

 

Alana was president of many clubs, but of them all, GSA had to be her favorite. It was a fairly new club, giving her tons of room to experiment and plan and work. Not a lot of kids showed up. Some weeks it was only her, Jared Kleinman, and Mrs Robin, the advisor. Jared was cool, he always had great ideas, and Alana worked well with him. She wouldn’t consider him a friend though, and she figured he wouldn’t consider her one either.

Maybe she was just bad at reading people though.

That Tuesday afternoon, Jared dragged Evan Hansen along, making the meeting a grand total of four people. It was an improvement.

And then, just before they were going to start talking, two more people strolled into the library where they met, walking right over to the table.

Zoe Murphy, her guitar on her back and a pink, glittery pen behind her ear, followed by Connor who towered over her in an oversized hoodie. For just getting out of the hospital, he didn’t look bad. The usual bags under his eyes seemed to be fading.

“Hey Lana! Jazz band practice got cancelled so I figured I’d come here instead! I’ve always wanted to join but band always meets on Tuesdays, so-”

“That’s awesome! Glad you’re here,” Alana interrupted, not meaning to cut her off but unable to contain her excitement.

Zoe pulled up a chair and plopped down right next to Alana, and Connor sat between her and Evan. Evan went red at the sight of Connor, and Jared nudged him, piquing Alana’s interest but she chose to ignore it for the time being.

It was the most productive meeting they’d had all year.

 

***

 

Jared was actually really cool. He actually had the same lunch period as Alana, and kept trying to convince her to come eat with him, which she politely declined at first, but decided to agree on a day she was particularly hungry. Their school was open campus, so they had an array of mostly pizza and bagel shops to choose from.

“So, does Evan like Connor or something? At the meeting the other day you kept nudging him every time Connor talked,” she asked before taking a bite of her bagel.

“Oh, yeah. He had a crush on Zoe for a really long time though, so I think he just has a Murphy kink or something,” Jared replied, amusement clear on his face as Alana nearly choked on her food at his words.

“He liked Zoe?”

“Oh, like, head-over-heels, would have taken a bullet for her, almost to the point of being a total creeper crush.”

Alana didn’t know why it made her jealous. “So what happened?”

“Well, they talked for a while and kind of had a thing, but decided they’d be better off as friends. And now he’s got the hots for her brother, which is kind of hilarious if you think about it.”

“Yeah...Funny.”

“What about you, Ms Beck?”

“What about me?”

“Who are you currently infatuated with?” Jared gave her a smirk.

“Noone,” she replied with a roll of her eyes. “I’m too busy to date.”

“Bullshit.”

“What’s bullshit?”

“C’mon, you can tell me! Sure, I’d rat Evan out in a second but that’s cause I know you’d never tell anyone.”

“And what if I do?”

“Then that sucks for Evan. Stop trying to change the subject.”

“...Guess.”

“Me?”

“Ew, no! I mean, no offense.”

“None taken, I wouldn’t date me either,” Jared chuckled. “Okay, well you’re fucking gay and you have one other female friend, so my only option is Zoe.”

Alana groaned. “Fine.”

“I fucking knew it! Oh my god, that’s so cute. When’s the wedding? Can I be your best man?”

Alana was laughing despite herself. “Shut up.”

 

***

 

Zoe and Connor were the two most artistic people Alana had ever met.

They were having a little club fair for the freshman that Friday, and Zoe offered to make them a sign. It was adorable, and Alana recognized Zoe’s neat, loopy handwriting in her signature glittery pens on it, and Connor had drawn on it as well.

“This is awesome! Thank you guys so much, I couldn’t draw something this nice to save my life.”

“Something Alana Beck can’t do? I’m shocked,” Zoe teased.

Alana wasn’t sure why that made her blush, but it did. Now Jared was nudging her with his elbow every time Zoe spoke, and she kind of hated him for it. But it kind of made her feel like she belonged. Like she had friends. For the first time, she felt like she had friends.

Sure, they weren’t close, and they were a fucked up little group, but hey, it was something.

 

***

 

**Zoe Murphy:** “hey lana, my parents wanted connor and i to invite some people over this weekend, are you busy?”

 

Alana woke up to that message and instantly freaked. Oh god, what did she wear, what did she say, was this a party or just casual, how many people were going?

Calm down, Alana. Just say yes. This is your chance.

 

**Alana Beck:** “I’m free actually, thanks for inviting me!”

 

**Zoe Murphy:** “awesome! come by at like six? i’ll send you my address.”

 

**Alana Beck:** “Can’t wait!”

 

***

 

The weekend came and Alana’s parents were  _ thrilled  _ to see her get out of the house.

She spent far too long choosing what to wear, finally settling on jeans and a flannel shirt, and she even attempted some makeup that didn’t come out too bad.

She drove herself over to the Murphy’s in her dad’s car and arrived at 5:55. She was early. Did she go in or wait until 6? Or did she wait until 6:05 so she didn’t look like she’d been waiting? Social etiquette was fucking weird.

Zoe seemed to notice the car pulling up through the window though, and came to open the door, waving at Alana. She was wearing a knee-length skirt and a sweater, her hair falling in waves around her face. Alana’s knees felt weak as she got out of the car and walked up the driveway.

“Hey!” Zoe greeted her with the same enthusiasm as she always did. She looked even better up close; her lashes were long and her cheeks were pink and she had on a bit of lipstick. Alana suddenly felt underdressed, but she returned the smile.

“Come on, we were gonna watch a movie in the living room! You don’t have to take your shoes off or anything. Mom’s crazy but not  _ that _ crazy.”

Alana followed Zoe through the hallway, hands stuffed in her pockets awkwardly.

The house was nice, and clean, and Alana couldn’t help but stare around as she walked.

The living room was big, with a big tv and a big couch, and everything was  _ big _ . 

Connor, Evan, and Jared were all already curled up on the couch, literally squished into a pile in the corner. Evan and Jared had their heads on each of Connor’s shoulders. Connor looked content, hands fiddling with the strings of his hoodie as Jared talked about some movie he wanted to watch.

Alana sat on the end of the couch awkwardly, watching Zoe practically jump into the seat beside her, grabbing the remote.

Mr and Mrs Murphy were nice. They wandered in while the five were still arguing about which movie to watch, introducing themselves. Alana chose to ignore the way Connor looked ready to crawl out of his skin when they walked into the room; it was none of her business.

By the end of the night, they’d gotten through The Breakfast Club, Dead Poets Society, and Heathers.

Evan and Jared weren’t expected home and Connor said that they could stay the night. Zoe turned to Alana, an almost hopeful look on her face. “You can stay too, if you want.”

She hadn’t brought clothes or a toothbrush or anything, but she wanted to stay so bad. She called her parents who were more than happy to let her stay, happy she had somewhere other to be for once.

The Murphy’s had guest rooms, but Evan and Jared simply followed Connor to his bedroom. How the three of them were going to squeeze into one bed, Alana wasn’t sure, but she didn’t question it.

“You can stay in a guest room if you want, but I don’t mind sharing...my bed, if you know, you don’t mind,” Zoe said, standing in the doorway of her bedroom, leaning against the frame, her hair falling in front of her eyes. She looked like...like an angel maybe, or a princess, or a goddess. She looked like something beautiful. Alana wasn’t good with words, but she looked beautiful.

Not trusting herself to speak, she nodded.

Zoe smiled, stepping into the room and grabbing Alana’s wrist, dragging her with her.

Pajama pants and a t-shirt were tossed at her without Alana asking. And Zoe’s skirt was falling to the floor without warning, and Alana turned around so quickly she almost gave herself whiplash.

Zoe was a bit smaller than her, but the shirt and pants were baggy enough that they fit Alana comfortably, and they smelled like Zoe, and holy fuck Alana was too much of a lesbian for this shit.

She felt guilty, laying in bed beside her and knowing how she felt about her. It felt like she was taking advantage of her somehow, like she was being creepy or something.

She pushed the thoughts away and tried to sleep, but she couldn’t seem to.

“I had a lot of fun tonight,” Zoe spoke up. She wasn’t asleep either.

“Me too,” Alana replied softly.

“My parents like you.”

“Really? They seem nice.”

“Yeah, when there’s guests over.”

“Oh, I’m-”

“Don’t worry about it.”

And then Zoe rolled over, and Alana rolled over to face her. Their noses were practically touching. Alana’s cheeks were burning.

“Goodnight, Lana.”

“Goodnight, Zoe.”

 

***

 

A week since their little sleepover and Alana was still unable to look Zoe in the eye without blushing.

Jared teased her relentlessly about it, but the minute she mentioned Connor or Evan, he would shut up and go red himself. It was satisfying to see Jared blush for once.

“Hey Lana, you took chemistry last year, right?” Zoe asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“I’m literally so fucking lost. I don’t get it at all. Like, not a thing.”

“I could help, if you want!”

“Please. Mrs H can’t teach and I’m gonna fail.”

“I’d never let you fail.”

 

***

 

Tutoring Zoe was actually fun. They’d walk to the Murphy’s house after school and go up to Zoe’s room, and Mrs Murphy would always make them snacks and Zoe would play music softly.

“Music helps me concentrate,” she explained.

“Same!” Alana replied, excited her and Zoe had another thing in common. “So, what is it that you don’t get?”

“...All of it?”

Alana laughed, taking a look at her notes. “Okay, so what always helped me was color coding the periodic table. Like, which are metals, nonmetals, and metalloids.”

They got through about two whole units in an hour.

“I learned more from you in an hour than I have from Mrs H in two months. Thank you for saving my life.”

“Don’t mention it.”

 

***

 

“Zoe isn’t gonna make the first move because she doesn’t think you like her like that,” Jared said. 

It was later that night and they were FaceTiming while Alana did her trig homework, and Jared played some video game. 

“How do you know that?”

“I have my sources.”

Alana put her pen down, burying her face in her hands. “I can’t do this shit Jared. She’s so pretty and I’m so gay and I don’t know what to do.”

“That’s simple: fucking ask her out.”

“You don’t understand how much I cannot do that.”

“Why?”

“Because!”

“Alana, she literally likes you. It’s painfully obvious.”

Alana groaned. 

 

***

 

Another chemistry tutoring session, focused on bonding this time.

“So there’s ionic bonds and covalent bonds…”

But Zoe had zoned out, doodling a star on the corner of her paper.

“Zo?”

“Oh, sorry...I was daydreaming.”

“About what?”   
Zoe shrugged, her cheeks flushing pink.

They were sitting closer than they needed to be, and Alana was painfully aware of every freckle on Zoe’s face, every strand of her hair, every blink and breath.

Oh, fuck it.

Alana never took risks. She followed the book, she stuck to what she knew and what she was good at. But it felt so right in the moment, and she took Zoe’s chin in her hand and leaned in to kiss her, soft and tentative.

Zoe didn’t pull away. Her lips were soft and tasted like her berry chapstick and they moved against her’s like they’d done this a million times before. Alana’s hand cupped her cheek while Zoe’s hand rested on her waist.

And then a knock came at the door; Mrs Murphy with whatever she’d decided to make them today and they pulled away quickly, both flushed and Zoe called for her to come in.

Once she left, the two girls burst into laughter.

 

***

 

Alana Beck never felt like she belonged. She was too focused on trying to be the best at everything, studying and working. But over the past few months, she made three of the best friends ever, and fallen in love with Zoe Murphy.

Zoe Murphy was by all means someone Alana would consider out of her league. Alana didn’t think she even had a league, and yet, by some miracle, Zoe’s berry tasting lips were pressed against hers before they walked to class or before Alana dropped her off at home.

Alana never felt like she belonged anywhere, but she found where she belonged in her friends, and in Zoe’s arms.

On top of all the things she was already good at, she was apparently a pretty damn good girlfriend too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked, feedback is always appreciated!
> 
> tumblr: intertwiningwords.tumblr.com


End file.
